Once a 'home'

Living in a place where i once called 'home' was a very irritating and frustrating things to do.
If i had a choice, i won't be staying in that house where i just treated it as a hotel, where it just provided me a bed, a place for me to shower.

I remember i once had a happy family when i was young. Where i was so innocent, so native and treated everyone who treated me well, as a friend/ good person. But one thing had happen and i slowly lose trust to my father and started to hate my father. I hated the thing he did to my mum, i know everything, he just assume i don;t know about it. I started to disrespect him and even don't even acknowledge him as my father until now, my thoughts are still the same. I will never forgive him what he did to my mum. NEVER!!

I know no matter what he did to my mum, is already consider a past. I really tried hard to acknowledge him as my father but i can't. I know i am a terrible person, and people who even know may say i am an unfilial but i really hate him and i don't think i will even forgive him even though, it is already the past.

I remember when my mum was still alived, whenever i went out, i always returned home early. First, is to eat my favourite mum's home cooked food. Second, is to prevent anything happen to my mum. I was so angry after i know what happen to my mum before, in the past, when she is still alive. I really hated him. I thought he have been good ever since my mum was sick, but it was not the truth until when my mum was so sick, till she had to hospitalise till she passed away, at that period of time, he had turned good. But i think this is not enough!! Therefore, partially i feeel that he is partly responsible for my mum death, even me, myself, knowing my mum condition had worsen and yet i still treated her quite bad when she still alive. Since i know, no matter what i will go to hell whe i am dead. I don't care, i just don't want to treat my father as my father again. I really wish i can just leave this pathatic hotel which so called my 'HOME', and live my own life. Maybe i will have my retribution in future, but i know i deserved it.

I really hated to stay in that house, where my father say everything belong to him etc and threaten me to sell the house etc. I now, don't even give a dam!!
If he want to sell his home, so be it. He don't want to give me the house or his money when he is dead, so be it!! I don't even give a dam!!

I will not live in the house, where he don't even trust me!! Where i have no privacy!! Where i don't feel that i am home!!!! I don't even care!! If i leave the house, whether he is dead or alive, it is none of my business!!

No matter what, i won't regard hm as my father!! I will never ever forgive him, even what he did to my mum is not my issue.

A house where you feel like a hotel, where you have no freedom, no privacy, always being threaten to have the house being sell away and have no trust, is just hell. But probably better than hell in a way.
Just wish i can leave this idiotic house as fast as possible.